JOEY: (TO ROSS) Hey! Here's
the birthday boy! Ross, check it out: hockey tickets, Rangers-Penguins,
tonight at the Garden, and we're taking you.
CHANDLER: Happy birthday, pal!
JOEY: We love you, man. (KISSES HIM)
ROSS: Funny, my birthday was seven months ago.
ROSS: So, I'm guessing you had an extra ticket and couldn't decide which one of you got to bring a date?
CHANDLER: Well, aren't we Mr. "The glass is half empty".
Ep. 4 ~TOW George Stephanopoulos~
ROSS: Get him! GET HIM!
Get him! Get- YESSS! Not laughing now, are ya pal!
CHANDLER: (TO ROSS) See buddy, that's all you need, a bunch of toothless guys hitting each other with sticks.
ROSS: Pass it! Pass it!
CHANDLER: He's open!
ALL: Shoot! Shoot! Shoot!
(THE PLAYER SHOOTS. THE PUCK FLIES OFF THE RINK AND HITS ROSS IN THE FACE. CHANDLER LOOKS CONCERNED, UNTIL HE NOTICES...)
CHANDLER: Hey, look, we're on that TV thing!
(CHANDLER AND JOEY HOLD UP THE PUCK AND WAVE AT THE TV THING)
Ep. 4 ~TOW George Stephanopoulos~
JOEY: I'm tellin' you Ross,
she wants you.
ROSS: She barely knows me. We just live in the same building.
CHANDLER: Any contact?
ROSS: She lent me an egg once.
JOEY: You're in!
ROSS: Aw, right.
HER: Hi, Ross.
ROSS: Hey. [stutters something incoherent]
CHANDLER: Come on, Ross, you gotta get back in the game here, ok? The Rachel thing's not happening, your ex-wife is a lesbian--I don't think we need a third...
JOEY: Excuse me, could we get an egg over here, still in the shell? Thanks.
ROSS: An egg?
JOEY: Yeah, you're gonna go up to her and say, "Here's your egg back, I'm returning your egg."
CHANDLER: I think it's winning.
ROSS: I think it's insane.
CHANDLER: She'll love it. Go with the egg, my friend.
[Ross walks over to the woman, egg in hand.]
JOEY: Think it'll work?
CHANDLER: No, it's suicide. The man's got an egg.
Ep. 14 ~TOW The Candy Hearts~
ROSS: I had a dream last
night where I was playing football with my kid.
CHANDLER & JOEY: That's nice.
ROSS: No, no, with him. I'm on this field, and they, they hike me the baby. I know I've gotta do something 'cause the Tampa Bay defense is comin' right at me.
JOEY: Tampa Bay's got a terrible team.
ROSS: Right, but, it is just me and the baby, so I'm thinkin' they can take us. And so I uh, I just heave it downfield.
CHANDLER: What are you crazy? That's a baby!
JOEY: He should take the sack?
ROSS: Anyway, suddenly I'm downfield, and I realize that I'm the one who's supposed to catch him, right? Only I know there is no way I'm gonna get there in time, so I am running, and running, and that, that is when I woke up. See, I am so not ready to be a father.
CHANDLER: Hey, you're gonna be fine. You're one of the most caring, most responsible men in North America. You're gonna make a great dad.
JOEY: Yeah, Ross. You and the baby just need better blocking. Oh, have either one of you guys ever been to the Rainbow Room? Is it real expensive?
CHANDLER: Well, only if you order stuff.
JOEY: I'm takin' Ursula tonight. It's her birthday.
ROSS: Whoa. What about Phoebe's birthday?
JOEY: When's that?
JOEY: Oh, man. What're the odds of that happening?
ROSS: You take your time.
CHANDLER: There it is! So what're you gonna do?
JOEY: What can I do? Look, I don't want to do anything to screw it up with Ursula.
CHANDLER: And your friend Phoebe?
JOEY: Well, if she's my friend, hopefully she'll understand. I mean, wouldn't you guys?
CHANDLER: Man if you tried something like that on my birthday, you'd be starin' at the business end of a hissy fit.
Ep. 17 ~TOW Two Parts, Part 2~
Ross: Alright boys, let's
Chandler: Oh, did you get that from the 'I Love Rachel' pizzeria?
Ross: You still on that?
Chandler: Oh, come on. What was with that whole Black Bart speech? [mimicking]: When I play poker, I'm not a nice guy!
Ross: You are way off, pal.
Joey: No, I don't think so, see Ross, because I think you love her.
Ross: Um.... no. See, I might've had feelings for her at one time--not any more. I just--I--
[Marcel makes a screeching noise in background.]
Ross: Marcel! Where are you going with that disc?
[Marcel puts a CD in the player.]
Ross: You are not putting that on again! Marcel, OK--if you press that button, you are in very, very big trouble.
['The Lion Sleeps Tonight' starts to play. Marcel starts to dance.]
Ep. 18 ~TOW All The Poker~
Chandler: I can't believe
we are even having this discussion.
Joey: I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.
Chandler: I mean, don't you think if things were gonna happen with Rachel, they would've happened already?
Ross: I'm telling you, she said she's looking for a relationship with someone exactly like me.
Joey: She really said that?
Ross: Well, I added the 'exactly like me' part... But she said she's looking for someone, and someone is gonna be there tonight.
Joey: 'Tonight' tonight?
Ross: Well, I think it's perfect. Y'know, it's just gonna be the two of us, she spent all day taking care of my monkey...
Chandler: I can't remember the last time I got a girl to take care of my monkey.
Ross: Anyway, I figured after work I'd go pick up a bottle of wine, go over there and, uh, try to woo her.
Chandler: Hey, y'know what you should do? You should take her back to the 1890's, when that phrase was last used.
Ep. 19 ~TOW The Monkey Gets Away~
ROSS: I don't know what
to do. What am I gonna do? I mean, this, this is like a complete nightmare.
CHAN: Oh, I know. This must be so hard. Oh, no. Two women love me. They're both gorgeous and sexy. My wallet's too small for my fifties, and my diamond shoes are too tight.
JOEY: Hey, here's a thought, Ross. [reaches for the computer]
CHAN: Don't touch the computer. Don't ever touch the computer.
JOEY: Ross, listen. I got two words for you. Threesome.
[Ross gives him an insulted look.]
CHAN: Ok, all right, look. Let's get logical about this, ok? We'll make a list. Rachel and Julie, pros and cons. Oh. We'll put their names in bold, with different fonts, and I can use different colors for each column.
ROSS: Can't we just use a pen?
CHAN: No, Amish boy.
JOEY: Ok, let's start with the cons, 'cause they're more fun. All right, Rachel first.
ROSS: I don't know. I mean, all right, I guess you can say she's a little spoiled sometimes.
JOEY: You could say that.
ROSS: And I guess, you know, sometimes, she's a little ditzy, you know. And I've seen her be a little too into her looks. Oh, and Julie and I, we have a lot in common 'cause we're both paleontologists, but Rachel's just a waitress.
CHAN: Waitress. Got it. You guys wanna play Doom? Or we could keep doing this. What else?
ROSS: I don't know.
JOEY: Oh, her ankles are a little chubby.
CHAN: Ok, let's do Julie. What's wrong with her?
ROSS: [long pause] She's not Rachel.
Ep. 8 ~TOW The List~
JOEY: Chandler? What're you still doin' here, I though you guys took off.
CHANDLER: Oh, no no no, she took off with my clothes.
JOEY: Are you naked in there?
CHANDLER: Not exactly. . . I'm wearin panties.
JOEY: Huh, you uh, you always wear panties?
CHANDLER: No, no, this is the first time.
JOEY: Wow, talk about your bad luck, I mean, the first time you try panties and someone walks off with your clothes.
CHANDLER: I was not trying them out, Susie asked me to wear them.
JOEY: Well, let me see.
CHANDLER: No. I'm not letting you or anybody else see, ever.
JOEY: Alright, alright. [climbs up in the next stall and looks over at Chandler] Woah, someone's flossing.
[Ross enters, sees Joey in the mirror]
ROSS: [to Joey who's looking over a toilet stall] Joey, some people don't like that.
JOEY: Chandler's wearing panties.
ROSS: What? Let me see. [climbs up in the other adjoining stall]
CHANDLER: No, no, you don't have to see.
ROSS: Hi Tushie.
CHANDLER: Alright, one of you give me your underpants.
JOEY: Can't help you, I'm not wearing any.
CHANDLER: How can you not be wearing any underwear?
JOEY: Oh, I'm gettin' heat from the guy in the hot pink thong.
CHANDLER: Alright look Ross I'll give you 50 dollars for your underpants.
[Some guy has entered.]
[Back at the table. Joey and Ross return. Shortly, Chandler comes out, holding the stall door in front of him, and leaves.]
Ep. 13 ~TOW The Superbowl, Part 2~
Joey: If anything should
happen to him?
Ross: Joey! The vet said it?s a simple procedure.
Joey: So! Things can go wrong! You don?t know! What if he doesn?t make it?!
Chandler: He will, Joe.
Joey: Yeah, but what if he doesn?t? He?s such a good duck.
(With that we go into a little flashback about the guys? memories of the duck. The first one is Joey playing with him in the bathtub and drying him off. Then it?s Chandler sitting on his couch after they moved into the girls apartment, and Chandler reading to him in bed, and him watching Baywatch when all they had was the canoe and the duck was in a bucket of water. Then we see Ross eating some cereal and the duck watching him. He takes a lamp and moves the duck off of the table. Then it?s Chandler shooing them out of the bathroom in the girls? apartment, Joey revealing their disco cubby hole in the entertainment-center, then Chandler playing Hide-and-Go-Seek with them, and it?s concluded with various scenes with the duck flapping it?s wings. And the guys staring into the distance in remembrance of the duck.)
Joey: I?m so worried about him, y?know?
The Doctor: (coming in from surgery) Somebody lose a ring?
Ross: Oh my God! Thank you! Thank you so much! (He grabs the ring, kisses it, and then does a double-take realising where it?s been.)
Joey: H-h-h-how?s the duck?
The Doctor: He?s doing just fine, he?s resting now, but you can see him in a little bit.
Joey: Ohh, great! Oh hey, listen Ross, thanks for being so cool about this.
Ross: No, that?s all right.
Joey: No, it?s not. I mean you-you made me your best man and I totally let you down!
Chandler: Hey, come on, it?s not your fault.
Joey: Yeah, it is! You wouldn?t have lost the ring, right? Y?know what, Ross you were right from the start, he (Chandler) should be your best man.
Chandler: No, you should.
Joey: Now, don?t argue with me?
Ross: Hey! Hey! Hey! I get to choose my best man, and I want both you guys.
Ross: Hey, both you guys should be up there with me. I mean, you two are-are my? I mean, I?m lucky to have just one good?
(They all start getting emotional.)
Chandler: Thanks man.
Joey: (starting to cry) I gotta go check something over here. (He walks away so that they can?t see him cry.)
Chandler: What a baby.
Ross: Total wuss!
(They both turn and wipe their eyes.)
Ep. 22 ~TOW The Worst Best Man Ever~